Captain Falcon Can't Do It!
by golfer
Summary: A comedy about Captain Falcon's desire to become the best smasher in the mansion being hindered by his lack of skill.  He's taken under Ganondorf's cruel wing as the two attempt to become the best...together.  Read and review, please.


**I felt like bashing a character today. :D**

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"And it's OVER!" The loud, booming voice rained through the loudspeakers as Ike raised his sword in triumph. He got no cheers from the watching smashers; they expected it. Captain Falcon was the worst brawler in Smasher history, he thought.

"Ow..." Captain Falcon moaned, shaking his head as he exited. He left without so much as a customary handshake with Ike. He was too frustrated. Not that Ike had much time for him; he was being monotonously congratulated by all the smashers; no enthusiasm from them.

Captain Falcon walked through the empty halls towards his room. He didn't get it. He had the muscle, the power, the speed, but he couldn't trounce Peach...and especially not someone as strong as Ike. As if hearing his thoughts, though, he heard a voice speak to him.

"With a little work around the edges...you could be a smasher great..." the voice was deep and raspy. It seemed very familiar.

"Who's...?" Captain Falcon began to ask. The hallway was very dark; it was nighttime and there were no lights on the walls.

"Don't ask who I am, boy..." the voice spoke again.

"Are you my mommy?"

"Shut up."

"Okay." The voice began to get frustrated after Captain Falcon said that.

"Ugh...listen idiot..." the voice ordered, a sigh heard by Captain Falcon. "You could be the best. The best in this entire mansion. Meta Knight will look like a coward, Ike will look weak; yes, the great Ike, could fall to you. Neither of us are that good, but I'm better than you; so you should listen to me." Captain Falcon took offense to that, but dared not speak. The voice continued. "But together...we could be the best." Captain Falcon perked when he heard the word "best".

"I'm in!" Captain Falcon said, excitedly. Whoever was behind the voice chuckled. A door suddenly creaked to Captain Falcon's right. He jumped, startled, as he saw Ganondorf appear out from the door. Captain Falcon saw first that the room was pitch black inside. He, upon seeing it was Ganondorf who was offering help, was also disappointed.

"Surprised?" Ganondorf asked with a smirk. He crossed his arms.

"How are you gonna help...we have the same moves..." Captain Falcon pointed out. Ganondorf smiled and strutted next to the racer, patting him on the back rather hard.

"Don't worry that pretty little head of yours...boy," Ganondorf advised, giving him what could be described as a full on hit on the back. Captain Falcon's wind was knocked out of him. "I'm stronger, and smarter than you, but you are fast..." Captain Falcon felt a sense of pride. He was the fastest brawler there...had it not been for Sonic. "And tomorrow...your training..." Ganondorf interrupted his own sentence, and walked away. "Begins." He muttered the last word as he quietly walked down the stairs.

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"Rrrrrrrrrrrrise and shine, boy!" Ganondorf's powerful, raspy voice boomed through Captain Falcon's ears. He rolled off the bed and fell on the floor, groaning in annoyance that Ganondorf chose to wake him up in such an obnoxious way.

"Ugh...dude...it's like...seven..." Captain Falcon complained, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Ganondorf gripped Captain Falcon's sheets, pulled over his head now, and ripped them off the racer, exposing his pink Hello Kitty pajamas.

"I won't even comment..." Ganondorf shuttered, feeling vomit burn his throat. He suppressed it, however, in the name of manliness, and gave a soft punch to Captain Falcon's ribcage. "Now move!" Captain Falcon groaned and rubbed his eyes again, gripping onto the headboard to pull himself up. It was a full minute of this, him slowly pulling himself up and yawning, pulling himself up more and yawning, before he was even sitting up. Ganondorf rolled his eyes. Captain Falcon stood up towards Ganondorf, spotting Ganondorf's watch. It was an expensive brand watch, he had heard, the Killink brand.

"I'm up, old man..." Captain Falcon muttered, yawning once more. The yawn made him unprepared for Ganondorf's massive fist to connect with his jaw. It felt like a brick to the side of his face. Captain Falcon heard an ear splitting noise, the sound of wood snapping in half, before he fell down. He didn't bother to get up, and much to Ganondorf's puzzlement, he was smiling, not caring that blood poured from his mouth. "Oh...there's three of you now?"

"That's just the sight of what happens when you mouth off to me, boy; you will always refer to me as "sir". Also, it's what happens when you're unprepared," Ganondorf replied, grabbing one of Captain Falcon's shoes, which he slept with. He could only imagine how bad they smelled, but perhaps not as bad as Sonic's. Ganondorf dragged Captain Falcon, smiling and in a daze, out the door, letting his head hit the doorframe. Ganondorf cracked a smirk.

Captain Falcon was on his feet, and the blood from his mouth was not flowing out. It was raining slightly, and the grass was slippery, but it didn't matter. They were on concrete. Ganondorf had two stones in each hand.

"What are the stones for, sir?" Captain Falcon asked. Ganondorf looked at the stones without saying a word. Captain Falcon thought that he didn't hear, so he asked again, this time taking a step forward so that he was about fifteen feet away from Ganondorf. "What are the st-" Captain Falcon hit the ground, almost unconscious, again, this time landing on the concrete. Ganondorf had thrown a stone without a laugh or word.

"You need to dodge these stones, boy," Ganondorf mused, speaking louder than normal to alert Captain Falcon. "Now get up and prepare for it again." Captain Falcon groaned in pain, slowly getting on his hands and standing up. "Are you ready?" Captain Falcon nodded while facing away from Ganondorf. He slowly turned around to look at Ganondorf, when once again...

CRACK!

Captain Falcon was down again. Ganondorf grimaced; he heard the noise of the gray rock hitting Captain Falcon in the head. But it's needed, he thought. It's how he was trained, and Captain Falcon would get it just the same way. The Gerudos did the same, only with arrows. Captain Falcon was being trained as a full grown man, and with crude, easy-to-dodge stones. He has it easy, Ganondorf assured himself. Captain Falcon wasn't getting up, and it rained harder as the sunshine disappeared behind the black clouds. Captain Falcon was getting soaked, and blood was seen leaking around, but it didn't worry Ganondorf; he didn't care, and he saw that Captain Falcon was breathing. He was fine.

"Let's call it a day..." Ganondorf suggested, going back inside, leaving Captain Falcon unconscious in the freezing rain. He didn't hear Captain Falcon moan a response.

"Yes sir."


End file.
